Aku hambaMu yang lemah :"(

I was about to off for bed when I'm writing this.

It's been 2 days I've been crying under my duvet at night, homesickness. And much thanks to Ollie's EAP essays, it's getting even worse. He asked us to write an email home, and there goes my tears running like streaming water.

I am hopeless.

It was before am writing this, that I wanted to put back my plate and spoon in the kitchen so I went in there and saw Charlotte, Carl, Tom and one of their friends; having a conversation. Their friend, the guy seems to be an American, his accent. Well I couldn't be bothered much cause he appears to me as a nuisance, he's been drinking in there with others for an hour ago. But what stroke me most is when he said;

"...that's rubbish. total rubbish. I don't even care to pray, to read the Quran and fasting that are all rubbish."

Carl went on saying, "Oh you're a Muslim but you don't pray, you eat pork, you drink and you don't fasting during Ramadhan?"

He took a glance at me, cause he knew that I'm a Muslim. I know he didn't want to offend me cause all this while all my flatmates do respect each of us regardless of who we are, what religion we have. He gave me a guilty look for he was talking bout my religion but I wanted to listen more. I wanted to. I wanted to know what that arsehole would say, to them. Caused it got me on my nerves, every single words that he uttered. terribly.

'...the thing is, that Quran, it was written like long time ago and it's kinda ancient. Dude, who the hell wanna follow those rules anymore? I couldn't care less.."

Ya Allah.

Ya Allah.

Astarfirullahalazim.

I wanted to cry.

I wanted to scream.

I wanted to stab him right on his chest. or at least, punch straight on his face. I had enough, he had gone overlimit.

For God's sake I wanted to object everything he just said, every lies he had uttered.

For God's sake I couldn't hold back my anger bearing with such insultions he threw onto my religion, his own religion and for God's sake I really wanted to tell Carl, Tom and Charlotte what divine Islam really is but instead, I bursted into deep tears. I didn't have the courage.

Shivering, I banged my door shut, feeling hopeless and I cried over my floor.

Shame on me.

I am real useless...

Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku sesungguhnya aku lah hambaMu yang hina lagi lemah. Terlalu lemah sehinggakan aku tak berdaya walaupun untuk membela agamaku, tidak mampu untuk berkata tidak terhadap tohmahan dan hinaan yang mereka lontarkan apatah lagi berkata benar kepada mereka yang tidak mengetahui. Ya Allah aku tidak mampu untuk menegakkan erti Islam sebenar kepada mereka. Ampunilah dosa-dosaku Ya Allah, teguhkan lah iman ku dan tetapkan lah hati ku agar aku mampu menghadapi ujian Mu ini dengan tabah. Ya Allah Ya Tuhanku, sesungguhnya hanya padaMu aku memohon pertolongan, hanya padaMu aku memohon perlindungan...

I call myself a Muslim and announce Islam my religion, but this one, I didn't have enough courage to speak out the truth for I'm weak, and total hopeless. :"((((((